Loss

Today is the first day that I think I can actually talk about it. People have been saying to me "why didn't you say anything" Well the answer is quite frankly, I couldn't. I couldn't speak about it without crying. I still can't most of the time. Last week our beloved Sam Houston went to heaven. John thought we should tell the kids that Sam wasn't coming home anymore. So I tell them that he is sick and he needs to go to heaven because only Jesus can make him better. Well Ella cried her heart out and wanted to know when he would come back from heaven. Christopher said, if Jesus lives in my heart and Sam is with Jesus, is Sam in my tummy? It was just excruciating for John and I to watch them try to work out this tragedy. They have asked for him everyday and last week I cried to the guy in Chic fil A. We were hoping San Antonio would be a distraction but yesterday when we came home Christopher looks at me so puzzled and says "Where's Sam" My eyes well up and I say honey, hes in heaven. GET HIM BACK he says, I WANT SAM BACK. The whole ordeal is just emotionally taxing. The reason of course is that Sam was a great dog. He loved those kids and they loved him like he was an extra sibling. Erin said a fond memory was Tyler and Ella painting him. He was docile with them and he loved to be with them. Everyday the kids were greeted at the door and no matter what kind of day they had, Sam was there to welcome them and they felt that much needed unconditional love. John and I are devastated for them but also for our own loss. He could drive me crazy but at night when the kids were in bed and I was on the couch he curled up beside and me and snuggled. He knew everything, when I was so sad I would lay in bed and cry and Sam would jump up and just cuddle into me and he dried my tears with his fur. When I was mad I told him so no one else would know my crazy thoughts. Some people keep a journal, I had a dog! If you are not a dog lover you can't possibly understand but the house is just so awfully quiet and we all are feeling the tremendous loss. Ella told me today, I hope grandpa Tracy pets Sam a lot in heaven! Christopher said, Sam is crying for me and I need to give him a kiss.

Sam Houston - we miss you!